A few years ago someone said to me, “You just seem like a ‘have it all’ kind of woman.” It was meant as a compliment, but I admit it totally rubbed me the wrong way.
Many business coaches and speakers talk about “having it all.” I get where they are coming from. I do believe it is possible to live an amazing life beyond what most people can even imagine. But I really hate the “have it all” dogma.
First off, “have it all” is really vague. What does that even mean? A successful career, happy family, strong faith, awesome relationship, rocking body, nice car, so many possessions I don’t even know what to do with them, travel around the world… “All” is an all-encompassing word. It sets you up for never feeling satisfied because there is always more you could do and as long as you live and breathe, you will not have accomplished everything. If you are a student of mine, you also know that I frequently say, “Vague intentions create vague results.” It is so much easier to accomplish specific, measurable goals than it is to accomplish vague ideas.
Second it lacks focus. I do have a successful career, a happy family, and strong faith. During the time I was starting my business, those three areas were honestly all I could focus on. I didn’t exercise, I didn’t have time to pursue all of my talents, and I didn’t play as often as I wanted. I was willing to make those sacrifices because I knew that after a period of intense focus, I would have more freedom to pursue other interests. I am now working on that rocking body (it’s a slow process). I have been able to take up new hobbies like painting and gardening. If I had looked at my life through the “have it all” lens, I probably would have felt like a failure during those two years. I may have felt like I was doing something wrong because I couldn’t manage more. Instead I was focused, grateful, and happy.
Third it opens you up to pursue things that don’t bring true happiness. I am not a minimalist, but I have minimalist tendencies. I love simplicity. Before I purchase something, I really think through if it will bring me joy, serve a purpose, or help others. If it doesn’t fit those three things, I am probably not going to invest in that thing. If I am in “have it all” mindset, I don’t filter as well. Everything seems to have a place in my life.
Fourth it is REALLY STRESSFUL! Everything you let into your life comes with responsibility. “Having it all” sounds like a whole lot of work to me.
I encourage you to replace “have it all” with “have what matters most.” On my website I say, “You really can’t have it all, but you can have what matters most.” I believe that. Here are 5 tips for having what matters most.
- Decide what is most important to you. What do you most want to achieve or do in the next 6 months?
- Say no to EVERYTHING that doesn’t support those goals.
- Make sure that your activity, mindset and skills are all strong so you can be successful in your efforts.
- Work hard and be grateful that you are able to work hard! Hard work glorifies God.
- Don’t work so hard that you don’t allow room for God to bless your efforts. You are not meant to do it all on your own.
I truly live an amazing life. I am extremely blessed and extremely grateful. And what got me here was not trying to “have it all.” It was focusing on what matters most.